Saturday, August 1, 2015

ask your doctor if you take any other anti depressants

[currently listening to The Medic by Foxing]

Summertime in Florida is inconsistent. One moment the sun is shining, the warmth so close to you that you can feel it in your bones; the next, your whole world is grey, cloudy, and it seems like the sun may never come back, until two minutes later when the sun does, in fact, return. This is exactly how my summer has been. A whirlwind of inconsistencies, not only from me but from everyone around me. Everything seemed to be floating around me, nothing was concrete and nothing was real. 

Much of it seemed like a dream. 

The feeling of being high, feeling myself immersed in this world was amazing. The sensation of flying, shooting toward something much bigger than myself overwhelmed me. I felt more at peace with the universe than ever before. But, whatever goes up must come down. There was a lot of blame, a lot of anger and sadness, and more resentment than I allowed myself to admit I had. I let myself slip back into some really bad and unhealthy habits over the last couple of months. Some things I could have controlled and I think some things were out of reach for me. The fact of the matter is, I never gave myself the chance to let my emotions out, to allow myself to heal and get past some things that actually took a much bigger emotional toll on me than I originally thought.

Too many days were spent withering. I felt like a flower that was wilting. You know how some people have a green thumb, and can bring dying plants back to life? Well, I had someone who was truly trying to help me. He tried to water me and take care of me and shelter me and reassure my that I was a beautiful flower. But I knew I was wilting. Nothing he could say could change the way I truly felt, because I knew. Although, once you hear something enough, you tend to start believing it. Its a slow process, but I think these kind words have reached me finally. There will be days where I won't believe the words, but I think there will be more days where I do. 

Another epiphany I had this summer is that I often censor myself. I don't share enough of my writing. I often keep thoughts too myself because I don't want to come off of as clingy or desperate or even *gasp* weird. I don't want to ever come off as pretentious, or too poetic to the point of cheese. But, as I sent some of my writing to someone who is close to me, someone who I just might love with a lot of my heart, someone who makes me want to be a better person, I felt really good. I was nervous, I was reciting what I want our future to look like. To much of my surprise, this actually made him feel good. To have a vision and have it shared with someone is so rare but so important, and I am so glad I have this with not only him, but with some of my soul-sisters. The love I hold in my heart for all these people explodes every day, it reminds me why I am alive and kicking. They remind me to drink up this summer air, this time I have and fill my lungs, to be grateful that I can do that. To simply be alive, to be able to run a lap around the neighborhood at 10 p.m. after crying about all of the things I'm angry about, to eat something I cooked myself and truly enjoy it with someone else, to feel my face burn up when a customer is being rude to me simply because they are having a bad day, to feel the relief after I vent to my coworker about said customer, to take a cool swim under the full moon, to enjoy a gooey, sticky, messy marshmallow, to laugh so hard that you almost cough up a lung. 

There is a lot of things wrong in this world, but I hope that everyone can find the time to be grateful that they are alive. 

[Listening to Lungs by CHVRCHES]

----------
Last night, July 31, we had a full moon. In fact, this particular full moon was a blue moon, the last one being in 2012. This, along with Saturn in retrograde since mid-June has sparked up a nasty problems that have been built up the past three years. I think that is why I got back into some old thinking patterns and old bad habits that I thought I grew apart from. 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Growing (June/July 2014)

Growing alone in a dark place
is what I'm used to.
I would imagine scenarios,
play them in my head and think of
different endings like one of those
fairy tales that I used to fall asleep
to,

dreaming of the possibilities is
what got me through
the longest of days. Thinking of you
made it worse. I would try to
talk but it didn't really come out
the way I had imagined.

All those times, dreaming and
thinking and imagining. Reality
never met expectations.
That made me sad.

But I continued.

I made some new friends,
and I started doing better.

You had no idea. You were
content within your ignorance. I knew,
though.
Ignorance is bliss, and
you were in ecstasy.

Me? I was miserable for
the best possible reason.
I was finding love again.
Finding it once was lucky enough,
but experiencing that again?

It was addicting. I couldn't
stop. It was funny, I realized that
love is literally a drug, I knew I
should've stopped for the best.
But it took over my life.

I got wasted. It felt good. The
hangover left me speechless and wanting
more, even though I really shouldn't.

I did

and here I am. Helpless and feeding my
addiction everyday. My addiction
has hurt a few people,
including myself.

But I can't go back now.
I don't want to.
I don't intend to.


Now,
I'm waiting for the crash.

Friday, January 2, 2015

resolve

run wild and release your fears.
they exist but you over come them.
you smack the pavement with your shoes and
continue on despite the fact that you can't see
 a fucking thing.
the water is in the way, falling down and
making its mark on the ground and
on your heart.
im making a fool of myself because of you
but i dont mind.
everyone can talk their talk
but i aint listenin'
and i hope to god that you arent either.
frustrating late night calls
and crying to your mother about
things she dont know.
nobody knows a damn thing.
we can only keep guessing and hope
that we win this game of chance.

3:30 a.m.

I find myself dazed, holding a stare that doesn't mean a thing. I'm focused on all of the wrong things. Constantly I find myself ruining it. Perhaps I am trying to make everyone else happy or maybe I just don't know how to be so myself. I bury myself underneath comforting lyrics and words you spoke to me not a day ago. Always In My Head is playing and oh, how accurate it is. You make me nervous. I can't look you in the eyes. Your gaze is amazing, it catches me and I can't handle it. I have to look away. You make me blush, make my lip quiver. Heavy sighs of exhaustion and pleasure fill the spaces. But thoughts get bad when I'm alone. I ruin it. I destroy what we have. My heart beats heavily and my eyes well with tears. You are so close but you are always a step ahead. I can never catch you. Sometimes I trip and I fall over and it really hurts. Sometimes you push me down, too. Sometimes I turn back and pull you down with me. Sometimes we get up together. But this time I am scared you are going to get up and walk away and leave me on the ground.

& the pessimist in me knows that it's true.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Breathing helps

I feel like I'm constantly suffocating underneath the storm above me. The world is swallowing me whole and my lungs are being crushed by the pressure. My heart is shackled and struggling. Everything is knots and bursts and beats and it all hurts. I don't want to drag them down with me but they ask me if I am okay and I don't want to lie.

I'm troublesome. I'm annoying. I am afraid.

The words are blurred and I can't see or breath and I fucking hate it. It captures me and I just let it take me over. It's pathetic.

I want to be confident and burstin with energy and laughter and happiness. I feel weak now. But I will carry on. I will continue even if it hurts. I will struggle.

But I will stop weeping in self pity. I will stop swimming around in my misery. I will stop surrounding myself with people who make me feel bad about myself. I will be around the people that make me love myself more often. I will perpetuate positivity and I will emerge strong.

I will
Simply be.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Full moon in Pisces reflection stream of conciousness

Much of the energy from this feminine full moon has been radiating around me. I felt a bit off myself on Monday, and I wanted to be alone but I didn't want to be alone, so I was conflicting all day. However, this full moon in particular was emotion based and that made for a good time to reflect in recent events and the past. Some of us tend to hide our wounds, conceal them, and pretend as if they are not there. Denial only stalls the healing process. It's a good idea to air out the wounds, open up to someone close to you, and take yourself back to they reality if the situation: that you are hurting. Many people tend to hide behind these bandages because they do not want to burden others with their feelings yet, when in reality, the people closest to you want nothing more than to be able to help you. They want you to feel that you can trust them. This is also just a nice time to reflect on things you have generally just been ignoring. Any realities that you ignore causes problems internally and externally. In other words, stop talking and dreaming about doing and just go do it. The New Paradigm Astrology video this week of September 9 has really helped me realize that. I have been neglecting my writing, my art, my photography, and even worse, my health. Being back at college has caused me to just want to be up all night and snack with my friends and wake up late and ignore responsibilities until the very last second. I was fine living this way until I realized that I wasn't. When I sat and thought about it, I really missed being creative. I missed being healthy and taking care of my mental and physical self. I highly suggest watching the new pele report at newparadigmastology.com . It has really helped me out personally. 

And with that, I would just like to ask, if anyone is out there reading this, please share anything in the comments regarding this situation. Hopefully I will begin writing more and soon I hope to reopening my etsy account. 

-Mia

Instagram: m_hollenback
Email: miaxmaria@yahoo.com

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Inadequate

I see you happy and care free
and wonder how anyone like you could be interested in someone like me. 
I don't want to hold you back
but I don't how to tell you because then it would and 
I don't want that. 
I'm so small and unsure and nervous 
and you are so marvelous and confident and curious.
You are independent and strong
and I once thought I was but you proved me wrong.
The old saying is so,
"If you love something then you need to let it go."
It hurts because I want you to go and explore and be you and enjoy life
But I feel like my neck is at the edge of a knife.


I want you to stay because
I didn't see you much yesterday.
But I'll say goodbye and turn away and know that tomorrow is another day.