[currently listening to The Medic by Foxing]
Much of it seemed like a dream.
The feeling of being high, feeling myself immersed in this world was amazing. The sensation of flying, shooting toward something much bigger than myself overwhelmed me. I felt more at peace with the universe than ever before. But, whatever goes up must come down. There was a lot of blame, a lot of anger and sadness, and more resentment than I allowed myself to admit I had. I let myself slip back into some really bad and unhealthy habits over the last couple of months. Some things I could have controlled and I think some things were out of reach for me. The fact of the matter is, I never gave myself the chance to let my emotions out, to allow myself to heal and get past some things that actually took a much bigger emotional toll on me than I originally thought.
Too many days were spent withering. I felt like a flower that was wilting. You know how some people have a green thumb, and can bring dying plants back to life? Well, I had someone who was truly trying to help me. He tried to water me and take care of me and shelter me and reassure my that I was a beautiful flower. But I knew I was wilting. Nothing he could say could change the way I truly felt, because I knew. Although, once you hear something enough, you tend to start believing it. Its a slow process, but I think these kind words have reached me finally. There will be days where I won't believe the words, but I think there will be more days where I do.
Another epiphany I had this summer is that I often censor myself. I don't share enough of my writing. I often keep thoughts too myself because I don't want to come off of as clingy or desperate or even *gasp* weird. I don't want to ever come off as pretentious, or too poetic to the point of cheese. But, as I sent some of my writing to someone who is close to me, someone who I just might love with a lot of my heart, someone who makes me want to be a better person, I felt really good. I was nervous, I was reciting what I want our future to look like. To much of my surprise, this actually made him feel good. To have a vision and have it shared with someone is so rare but so important, and I am so glad I have this with not only him, but with some of my soul-sisters. The love I hold in my heart for all these people explodes every day, it reminds me why I am alive and kicking. They remind me to drink up this summer air, this time I have and fill my lungs, to be grateful that I can do that. To simply be alive, to be able to run a lap around the neighborhood at 10 p.m. after crying about all of the things I'm angry about, to eat something I cooked myself and truly enjoy it with someone else, to feel my face burn up when a customer is being rude to me simply because they are having a bad day, to feel the relief after I vent to my coworker about said customer, to take a cool swim under the full moon, to enjoy a gooey, sticky, messy marshmallow, to laugh so hard that you almost cough up a lung.
There is a lot of things wrong in this world, but I hope that everyone can find the time to be grateful that they are alive.
[Listening to Lungs by CHVRCHES]
Last night, July 31, we had a full moon. In fact, this particular full moon was a blue moon, the last one being in 2012. This, along with Saturn in retrograde since mid-June has sparked up a nasty problems that have been built up the past three years. I think that is why I got back into some old thinking patterns and old bad habits that I thought I grew apart from.