Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Breathing helps

I feel like I'm constantly suffocating underneath the storm above me. The world is swallowing me whole and my lungs are being crushed by the pressure. My heart is shackled and struggling. Everything is knots and bursts and beats and it all hurts. I don't want to drag them down with me but they ask me if I am okay and I don't want to lie.

I'm troublesome. I'm annoying. I am afraid.

The words are blurred and I can't see or breath and I fucking hate it. It captures me and I just let it take me over. It's pathetic.

I want to be confident and burstin with energy and laughter and happiness. I feel weak now. But I will carry on. I will continue even if it hurts. I will struggle.

But I will stop weeping in self pity. I will stop swimming around in my misery. I will stop surrounding myself with people who make me feel bad about myself. I will be around the people that make me love myself more often. I will perpetuate positivity and I will emerge strong.

I will
Simply be.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Full moon in Pisces reflection stream of conciousness

Much of the energy from this feminine full moon has been radiating around me. I felt a bit off myself on Monday, and I wanted to be alone but I didn't want to be alone, so I was conflicting all day. However, this full moon in particular was emotion based and that made for a good time to reflect in recent events and the past. Some of us tend to hide our wounds, conceal them, and pretend as if they are not there. Denial only stalls the healing process. It's a good idea to air out the wounds, open up to someone close to you, and take yourself back to they reality if the situation: that you are hurting. Many people tend to hide behind these bandages because they do not want to burden others with their feelings yet, when in reality, the people closest to you want nothing more than to be able to help you. They want you to feel that you can trust them. This is also just a nice time to reflect on things you have generally just been ignoring. Any realities that you ignore causes problems internally and externally. In other words, stop talking and dreaming about doing and just go do it. The New Paradigm Astrology video this week of September 9 has really helped me realize that. I have been neglecting my writing, my art, my photography, and even worse, my health. Being back at college has caused me to just want to be up all night and snack with my friends and wake up late and ignore responsibilities until the very last second. I was fine living this way until I realized that I wasn't. When I sat and thought about it, I really missed being creative. I missed being healthy and taking care of my mental and physical self. I highly suggest watching the new pele report at newparadigmastology.com . It has really helped me out personally. 

And with that, I would just like to ask, if anyone is out there reading this, please share anything in the comments regarding this situation. Hopefully I will begin writing more and soon I hope to reopening my etsy account. 


Instagram: m_hollenback
Email: miaxmaria@yahoo.com

Saturday, August 23, 2014


I see you happy and care free 
and wonder how anyone like you could be interested on someone like me. 
I don't want to hold you back 
but I don't how to tell you because then it would and 
I don't want that. 
I'm so small and unsure and nervous 
and you are so marvelous and confident and curious.
You are independent and strong
and I once thought I was but you proved me wrong.
The old saying is so,
"If you love something then you need to let it go."
It hurts because I want you to go and explore and be you and enjoy life
But I feel like my neck is at the edge of a knife.

I want you to stay because
I didn't see you much yesterday.
But I'll say goodbye and turn away and know that tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

That feeling

You know that feeling where you just sit there and you think about all the things that are ahead and you don't know what to expect and you want to hope for the best and think things are going to go as you planned this time and you are going to be productive and excited and happy but then there is a knock on your heart and it's doubt and it just wraps itself around and squeezes inside of your chest until you feel like you can hardly even breath, even though you are sitting still, doing nothing that would cause you to lose your breath or feel like you are drowning in a lake that you drove your car into because you were too lost in your thoughts to even pay attention to where the hell you were going, not that it fucking mattered because you don't know where you want to go or where you belong or what you want or where you want to go, but you just keep thinking about all those damn insecurities you've kept your whole life and just lay down in your head and rest there for awhile, and it bugs you because everyone tell you otherwise but you just don't believe, you just compare and compare and wonder about all the things that will go wrong and that you are going to have long nights lying on the floor, wondering what went wrong and how you can change it even though you are positive that the whole thing is hopeless so you just begin to cry and you can't feel anything so you just close your eyes and forget until it happens all over again, when you get that feeling. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The fear

The fear is an ocean.
I'm drowning in it and the salt fills my lungs and it hurts and burns until I cannot breathe. I just keep sinking to the bottom and I can see the surface, the light is shining through but I just can't move my arms, my legs. I just watch as I helplessly allow myself to let it happen. I let the ocean take me without a fight. There is nothing I can do. I can't make it. I keep sinking until the light gets dimmer and dimmer and all that is left is darkness. It surrounds me and I can't see or hear or breathe. I'm overwhelmed and unwilling. 

I'm unfeeling.

Then it tugs at me. I feel this sudden warmth and it wraps around my arms the onto my shoulders, over my back and then around my waist. I feel it and I'm scared. But then it overcomes my entire body and I feel it inside, and suddenly it's okay. I can breathe and it's pulls me toward the surface and reminds me that I can swim. I kick my feet and tug my arms back and forth, i feel the fresh air being held in my lungs, the salty bitterness suddenly gone as I get closer to the surface. And I'm going and going and I see the sun shining through and the warmth is still there when I finally emerge breatheless, inhaling the fresh air because it feels like the first time all over again. I look around, I see again and everything is lovely and beautiful and I know it's going to be okay.

And I tell myself I won't go swimming again.

I tell myself that every time.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Open letter to a friend

(just because you are talking does not mean I am listening.)

I am next to you but I am alone. You tell me that you are here for me. To me, your  presence is a ghost but you are physical. I could slap you across the face but I don't want to touch you. I could crash my knuckles into that crooked smile of yours. I could grab you by that stupid collar and yell at you that it's over, it's done, and you are listening but you are merely taking a message. I keep pounding my fist on the wall, there are waves crashing against my stomach and it aches because of this storm that you create in me. You cause me to feel like I don't deserve to be happy when you once said that's all you ever wanted. I make you leave, stop. But it doesn't matter because you are a fly that I kill only to somehow survive and buzz right in my damn ear, just to let me know that somehow you are alive and kicking. You don't give up. You don't stop and maybe that's a virtue to someone out there. Maybe it's considered a romantic gesture by someone. But for me, it's just a push. A constant push toward some kind of ledge that will ultimately cause me to fall, but I can assure you, once that happens, I will turn around, and I will grab you by the fucking hair and drag you right down with me. I will not take the fall for this. I will stand up for myself, and I will not let you control me.


Monday, August 11, 2014

night time thoughts

When I look at your photo I do
Genuinely smile. You made me 
Very happy and your words meant so much.

I look at your photo and remember how you felt 
Or I at least imagine how you must have been feeling
When I embraced you.

I look at your photo and I think about how 
Innocent it may have seemed from the outside.
But it wasn't as innocent as everyone might have thought.

I look at your photo and think of the when we first kissed
And how embarrassed I was
And how worried you were.

I look at your photo and I wonder
Did I make you insecure? Was I the one that made you lose control?
Or was that all your own doing?

It's okay to be sad. That's what I think when I look at your photo. 
Because I look at your smile and believe that it was true 
but now it's just a fake concrete smile that you push through your lips.

Do not pretend like its fine 
And don't talk to me as if nothing went wrong
Because it's done, but the photo of you remains unchanged.

I look at you and smile 
because I know that the happiness 
is real.