Saturday, August 23, 2014

Inadequate

I see you happy and care free 
and wonder how anyone like you could be interested on someone like me. 
I don't want to hold you back 
but I don't how to tell you because then it would and I don't want that. 
I'm so small and unsure and nervous 
and you are so marvelous and confident and curious.
You are independent and strong
and I once that I was but you proved me wrong.
The old says is told,
"If you love something then you need to let it go."
It hurts because I want you to go and explore and be you and enjoy life
But I feel like my neck is at the edge of a knife.


I want you to stay because
I didn't see you much yesterday.
But I'll say goodbye and turn away and know that tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

That feeling

You know that feeling where you just sit there and you think about all the things that are ahead and you don't know what to expect and you want to hope for the best and think things are going to go as you planned this time and you are going to be productive and excited and happy but then there is a knock on your heart and it's doubt and it just wraps itself around and squeezes inside of your chest until you feel like you can hardly even breath, even though you are sitting still, doing nothing that would cause you to lose your breath or feel like you are drowning in a lake that you drove your car into because you were too lost in your thoughts to even pay attention to where the hell you were going, not that it fucking mattered because you don't know where you want to go or where you belong or what you want or where you want to go, but you just keep thinking about all those damn insecurities you've kept your whole life and just lay down in your head and rest there for awhile, and it bugs you because everyone tell you otherwise but you just don't believe, you just compare and compare and wonder about all the things that will go wrong and that you are going to have long nights lying on the floor, wondering what went wrong and how you can change it even though you are positive that the whole thing is hopeless so you just begin to cry and you can't feel anything so you just close your eyes and forget until it happens all over again, when you get that feeling. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The fear

The fear is an ocean.
I'm drowning in it and the salt fills my lungs and it hurts and burns until I cannot breathe. I just keep sinking to the bottom and I can see the surface, the light is shining through but I just can't move my arms, my legs. I just watch as I helplessly allow myself to let it happen. I let the ocean take me without a fight. There is nothing I can do. I can't make it. I keep sinking until the light gets dimmer and dimmer and all that is left is darkness. It surrounds me and I can't see or hear or breathe. I'm overwhelmed and unwilling. 

I'm unfeeling.

Then it tugs at me. I feel this sudden warmth and it wraps around my arms the onto my shoulders, over my back and then around my waist. I feel it and I'm scared. But then it overcomes my entire body and I feel it inside, and suddenly it's okay. I can breathe and it's pulls me toward the surface and reminds me that I can swim. I kick my feet and tug my arms back and forth, i feel the fresh air being held in my lungs, the salty bitterness suddenly gone as I get closer to the surface. And I'm going and going and I see the sun shining through and the warmth is still there when I finally emerge breatheless, inhaling the fresh air because it feels like the first time all over again. I look around, I see again and everything is lovely and beautiful and I know it's going to be okay.

And I tell myself I won't go swimming again.

I tell myself that every time.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Open letter to a friend

(just because you are talking does not mean I am listening.)

I am next to you but I am alone. You tell me that you are here for me. To me, your  presence is a ghost but you are physical. I could slap you across the face but I don't want to touch you. I could crash my knuckles into that crooked smile of yours. I could grab you by that stupid collar and yell at you that it's over, it's done, and you are listening but you are merely taking a message. I keep pounding my fist on the wall, there are waves crashing against my stomach and it aches because of this storm that you create in me. You cause me to feel like I don't deserve to be happy when you once said that's all you ever wanted, was for me to be happy. I make you leave, stop. But it doesn't matter because you are a fly that I kill only to somehow survive and buzz right in my damn ear, just to let me know that somehow you are alive and kicking. You don't give up. You don't stop and maybe that's a virtue to someone out there. Maybe it's considered a romantic gesture by someone. But for me, it's just a push. A constant push toward some kind of ledge that will ultimately cause me to fall, but I can assure you, once that happens, I will turn around, and I will grab you by the fucking hair and drag you right down with me. I will not take the fall for this. I will stand up for myself, and I will not let you control me.

Goodbye.

Monday, August 11, 2014

night time thoughts

When I look at your photo I do
Genuinely smile. You made me 
Very happy and your words meant so much.

I look at your photo and remember how you felt 
Or I at least imagine how you must have been feeling
When I embraced you.

I look at your photo and I think about how 
Innocent it may have seemed from the outside.
But it wasn't as innocent as everyone might have thought.

I look at your photo and think of the when we first kissed
And how embarrassed I was
And how worried you were.

I look at your photo and I wonder
Did I make you insecure? Was I the one that made you lose control?
Or was that all your own doing?

It's okay to be sad. That's what I think when I look at your photo. 
Because I look at your smile and believe that it was true 
but now it's just a fake concrete smile that you push through your lips.

Do not pretend like its fine 
And don't talk to me as if nothing went wrong
Because it's done, but the photo of you remains unchanged.

I look at you and smile 
because I know that the happiness 
is real.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

the experience

I do not recognize the faces I saw yesterday
I am in love with people I have never met 
I do not see much when I look in the mirror and 
the things that I held onto floated away (myself).

I punched a wall and I have taken a hit
to the heart, to the lungs.
I have fallen onto the concrete screaming
and tumbled into the grass laughing.

I said to myself,
"Most days I hate myself."
and then,
"Most days I love myself."

and I have embraced things that I never wanted to know,
I have revealed secrets that I never knew about myself
and, mostly
I did not keep my mind safe.
Memories are waves,
they come and I put my toes in them and I feel at home
but then they roll away and I forget the feeling.



Even so,
I swear that I will remember you even when I want to forget.


-march 2, 2014

recent recurring ideas in my horoscopes

as a sagittarius, i am constantly on the lookout for new adventure and oppotunity. i used to use fear as a blanket to cover my insecurities.

what if i don't know how to do that?
what if i mess up?
what if i can't keep up?
what if this isn't what i want?
what if i don't like it?
what if....

but recently i have turned those what if's around and began thinking that

i will learn new things
i will learn from mistakes so i wont make them again
i will ask for help
i will find out if this is what i want
and if i don't, i can move on to the next big thing

nothing is set in stone.
so as i found out more and more about sagittarius and how that shapes me (personally), i gained a better understanding of myself and have found so many parallels to my personal life.

i recently applied to a new college, one that is closer to my home and that offers me more majors and classes to choose from. i took the jump and applied for a business major, which i was always hesitant about because i feel that i know nothing about business. but i let that fear take me and drag me down. made me overthink and shoot for something i didnt really want, but rather, would settle for.

well, fuck that.

so i took the jump. i feel good about the decision, because my current school is, erm, not for me. after i applied, i have been reading my horoscopes, daily, weekly, and monthly... and all have been highlighting big entrepreneurial opportunities coming my way. i know its not just going to happen, of course. but i also applied for an etrepreneurial internship at my current school for fall semester, to hopefully get me some experience and networking opportunities.

i just feel like i have a lot to look forward to. i want to be more creative and express myself more and just be happy with who i am and what i do. i feel like i am finally closing the first chapter of my life and finally entering something new and exciting. i feel like i have a specific direction that i am going in. and im not sure if this direction is the right one. in fact, it probably isnt. i may never find what makes me truly happy. i am too restless, too outspoken and too damn unsatisfied to settle for anything that doesnt make me feel 100%.
so maybe ill never find that, but even so,
the search ensues. and im gonna have a hell of a time.